Personal Dork Assistant

And Now The News

Once again, The Onion produces a hard-hitting expose to uncover truthiness so often neglected by the MSM.

Sequestered in a private booth at a Pasadena-area Cheesecake Factory for nearly 25 minutes, a party of eight California Institute Of Technology physicists emerged exhausted but visibly excited Friday evening after successfully splitting the bill.

Only a high-quality news-gathering organization like The Onion can truly capture the confusion which reigns over a table of Techers after a fine meal.

The team of physicists decided to test Dreyfuss's Pay For What You Ordered Algorithm, which hypothesized that it was possible to determine what each individual owed by defining variables such as the cost of one's entrée, the total number of beverages one consumed, one's percentage of the sum ingestion of the component parts of the Firecracker Salmon Rolls and Buffalo Blasts, and "six bucks toward the birthday boy's meal."

As the bill approached absolute zero, the scientists found that the closer they got to completely breaking it down, the more difficult it was to calculate.

Unfortunately they didn't capture the traditional solution to the dilemma, i.e. make the youngest non-math major figure the bill! Hopefully the froshling tagging along still remembers his 'rithmetic, 'cuz fancy lemmas and big theorems aren't gonna get the job done.

I Feel Nostalgia For A Time Yet To Come

Went to the little bakery across the street to pick up some bread for breakfast. As I browsed the selection of pastries fresh from the oven, I spied a big old cockroach scurrying across the floor. Was too polite to make a big deal of it to the boss lady and cause her to lose face. Actually, it's been ages since I've seen one of the big-type cockroaches. They were the stuff of childhood nightmares as they made turning on the lights a dicey proposition when they would scurry or even worse take off flying when you hit the switch. However in the ecological scheme of things the bigger "American" cockroaches (Periplaneta americana) were not competitive with the smaller, nimbler German cockroaches (Blatella germanica). I'm now brave enough to go ahead and squish the little roaches. But for the good of all involved I decided to leave the big guy well enough alone. It's the Buddhist thing to do.