Personal Dork Assistant

And Now The News

Once again, The Onion produces a hard-hitting expose to uncover truthiness so often neglected by the MSM.

Sequestered in a private booth at a Pasadena-area Cheesecake Factory for nearly 25 minutes, a party of eight California Institute Of Technology physicists emerged exhausted but visibly excited Friday evening after successfully splitting the bill.

Only a high-quality news-gathering organization like The Onion can truly capture the confusion which reigns over a table of Techers after a fine meal.

The team of physicists decided to test Dreyfuss's Pay For What You Ordered Algorithm, which hypothesized that it was possible to determine what each individual owed by defining variables such as the cost of one's entrée, the total number of beverages one consumed, one's percentage of the sum ingestion of the component parts of the Firecracker Salmon Rolls and Buffalo Blasts, and "six bucks toward the birthday boy's meal."

As the bill approached absolute zero, the scientists found that the closer they got to completely breaking it down, the more difficult it was to calculate.

Unfortunately they didn't capture the traditional solution to the dilemma, i.e. make the youngest non-math major figure the bill! Hopefully the froshling tagging along still remembers his 'rithmetic, 'cuz fancy lemmas and big theorems aren't gonna get the job done.