Personal Dork Assistant

Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes bus?

Or, the best car review ever.

Fuck those pseudo-retro wannabe-muscle cars. As Car&Driver found out, the Dodge Sprinter (a.k.a. Mercedes Sprinter for the not-US-world) is where it's at. Legit Mercedes heritage with a bulletproof diesel engine, five-speed manu-matic transmission, and enough space to stand up while driving.

It produces 154 horsepower at 3800 rpm and 243 pound-feet of torque between 1600 rpm and 2400 rpm. That's not a lot, but it's sufficient to propel this 5381-pound Frigidaire to 60 mph in 13.1 seconds. That's 4.4 seconds behind, say, a Chevy Express AWD, but it's exactly the performance of a Porsche 911 Turbo if you stop along the way to pick up wholesale plumbing supplies.

Of course, hauling wholesale plumbing supplies is what this puppy's all about (we know people in wholesale plumbing supplies, it ain't a bad biz). A real workhorse which gets 30mpg puts to shame those gas-sucking SUVs supposedly needed for "real work." Besides, how else are you going to drive a new Mercedes off the lot for $35K?

At least the seats are comfortable, freeway tracking is good, the view forward rivals that from Floor Two of a London bus, and if your back gets sore, you can simply park for a sec and stand up. That's because the Sprinter offers just over six feet of interior height, and the floor is flat. Cheerleaders could practice routines in there. Crack the twin cargo doors—they swing open 270 degrees—and you create a hole 61.4 inches wide. Depending on which wheelbase you select, a Sprinter can digest up to 473 cubic feet of stuff. Preferred stuff: a Ducati M996, a workbench, overhead lights, and two or three of those leftover cheerleaders.